*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Barbie gone wild
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces