As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”