Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.