Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.