This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact