Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.