A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
no!! no!!!!!!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…