When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes