Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives