Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
You Might Also Like
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.