I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.