“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.