Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.