astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird