Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far