gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke