thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
We decided to have money instead of children.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom