I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film