Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.