If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Nice try, NASA
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.