“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.