Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
2022 will be better than 2021
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Cause of death: Zumba
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
He’s cranky this morning