The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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This came to me in a dream.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I wish I were this cool 😂
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris