The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.
Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?
[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]
Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU
Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.
I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.
Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??
5: Dreams come true.
5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”
5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!
Me: Want to call him & apologize?
5: You don’t have his phone number.
The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.