[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
work smarter, not harder
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Jogging
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
me refusing to leave twitter