Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.