Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
You Might Also Like
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.