A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You Might Also Like
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again