Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb