Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears