I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Said the murderer.