Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms