Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.