Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I have no passwords left in me
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”