At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Every. Damn. Time.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.