Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.