“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you