Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore
Me: We’re floating through space on a giant rock and the rock is dying. I mean, does anything really matter?
Cashier: Okay but your card was still declined.
I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid
The Girl with the Hot Dog Tattoo
Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead
It’s not a crime of arson so much as it’s a crime of passion but okay, judgy fire investigator guy
How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings
But officer, that is my emotional support dismembered corpse in the trunk
Always the bridesmaid, never the cartoon pie luring you to a stranger’s windowsill with those little aroma lines
The most important part of dressing up like a clown and hiding in your friend’s crawlspace is to have fun and be yourself