@ThisLocalHater

Murder, she wrote. Vehicular manslaughter, she texted. Arson, she emailed. Possession of cocaine, she Facebooked. Bank robbery, she faxed. Speeding in a school zone,

@ThisLocalHater

I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”

@ThisLocalHater

[from inside the trunk of your car]

Babe, are you mad at me or something?

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

@ThisLocalHater

If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now