Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice