Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.


Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?


Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.


*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.


Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???


Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.


I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.


I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.


Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??


Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …