Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThisOneSayz's best tweets

@ThisOneSayz : How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and... Attorney: my client means, "not guilty"

@ThisOneSayz: *fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@ThisOneSayz: Ribbon gymnastics class only it's me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

@ThisOneSayz: The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

@ThisOneSayz: I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, "know why I pulled you over?" first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@ThisOneSayz: Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath...

Witch: ...but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

@ThisOneSayz: "Maybe she's born with it, but most likely she botched it at home" should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

@ThisOneSayz: No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

@ThisOneSayz: *Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

....

Detective: Look, I'm just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!