Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …