Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: I’m looking for a 4bed, 3bath, big yard.
Realtor: and what’s your budget?
Me: *hands him a sack of Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Got drunk last night and ended up at the worst escape room ever: no theme only metal bars and if you jiggled the door you got tazed!
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: Your pick up line is laughable; who even asks to see my license?
Cop: Step out of the vehicle, ma’am.