@ThisOneSayz: How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and...
Attorney: my client means, "not guilty"
@ThisOneSayz: *fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
@ThisOneSayz: Ribbon gymnastics class only it's me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
@ThisOneSayz: The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
@ThisOneSayz: I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, "know why I pulled you over?" first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
@ThisOneSayz: Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath...
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
@ThisOneSayz: "Maybe she's born with it, but most likely she botched it at home" should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
@ThisOneSayz: No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.