Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.