I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-