Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.