Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again