Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back