Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
You Might Also Like
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6