Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ThugRaccoons : Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
@ThugRaccoons: [First day as a beaver]
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
@ThugRaccoons: You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
@ThugRaccoons: Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
@ThugRaccoons: Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.