Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@ThugRaccoons: You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

@ThugRaccoons: Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.