@ThugRaccoons: Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
@ThugRaccoons: Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl