Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

@ThugRaccoons: Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl