Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute