Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.