Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?